When our roommate Daniel died, neither of us were surprised. He’d been struggling with addiction for as long as we knew him. We all have, I guess, but Daniel was just worse at managing it. In any case, it sort of fell to us to plan the funeral. His family would probably show, but they figured we loved him way more than they did, so we’re suddenly responsible. They probably blamed us for the drugs, too. Adrian and I make for good martyrs.
I got home from work late, a few days after Daniel had passed. Adrian rushed down the stairs of our flat.
“Dude” he said. “Daniel came back”.
“Come on, that’s not funny” I replied. “Quit being a dick.”
“No, really! He fucking came back dude. He’s locked in the basement!”
“Adrian, quit huffing markers, man. They’re gonna make you impotent or some shit.”
“I haven’t been huffing markers! And even if I had, they’re way cheaper than real drugs, so lay off the marker-huffing.”
I slapped my head. “Jesus, it’s too late for this. How is Daniel locked in the basement? We left him at the funeral parlor. We saw him there. The viewing is tomorrow. There’s no way he could---”
A deep moan issued from the basement.
“Adrian, what the fuck was that?”
“I told you dude, Daniel came back! He’s a zombie or some shit.”
“A zombie?”
“Yeah, like you know…eats brains and stuff.”
“I know what a zombie is, Adrian. So wait…like, George Romero zombies or 28 Days Later zombies, cause the ones in 28 Days Later aren’t---”
“Aren’t really zombies. Dude, I know. You bring it up all the time. You’re the only person who could cock block me talking about what makes a zombie a zombie. You remember that party last week? That brunette? Fuck you, man.”
“I said I was sorry about that.”
“Whatever, don’t worry about it. We got way bigger problems now.”
The pounding at the door grew louder.
“How did he even get back here?” I asked. “Aren’t zombies supposed to be really stupid?”
“Hell if I know. He was standing on the porch drooling everywhere when I got home. I hit him with a shovel then threw him down the basement.”
“Shit, that’s your standard procedure for visitors. No wonder he’s pissed.”
Adrian turned around nervously. The wood door was starting to splinter.
“Well, we better re-kill him quick” I said. “His family will probably blame us triple if their supposedly-dead son shows up at his own viewing and starts chewing his way through second cousins.”
“Okay, I’ll get the rifle.” Adrian began to make his way up the stairs.
“Wait, dude.” I grabbed Adrian’s arm. “It’s open casket. We can’t have a viewing if half his head is blown away.”
“I didn’t think of that. Why didn’t he want to be cremated? Everybody should be cremated. If you’re cremated, you can’t come back as a fucking zombie.”
“Okay, calm down. We’ll figure something out. We have to. Why don’t we just call the police?”
“No way! We can’t bring cops over here!”
“Why not?”
“I dunno, man. I just don’t like cops.”
“Okay, we have to kill our former roommate, stuff him in a casket, and keep him from eating mourners, all by tomorrow morning. Can you think of a scenario where we would need police intervention more?”
“There could be two zombies.”
“Adrian, fuck you.”
“I’m just sayin’.”
We heard the door give way. A slobbering, moaning Daniel burst into the foyer. Well, not Daniel exactly. More a shell of Daniel, one bent on devouring us. His head was caked in blood from where Adrian had hit him.
“Shit, shit, shit. What do we do?”
“Hit him again? I’ll get the shovel.” Adrian started back up the stairs.
“Dude, the shovel is outside.”
“Oh, for the love of---fuck this, I’m shooting him.”
“I suddenly feel okay with that plan.”
Zombie Daniel was extremely uncoordinated, though this could be attributed more to Daniel himself than the zombie-ism. We rushed up the stairs.
12 comments:
hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! Seriously laughing out loud at this one! I knew it was only a matter of time before you wrote about zombies.
Evil dead movie night before I go to Tennessee for the summer, most definitely.
how long are you gonna be in tennessee????
I started writing a zombie story once. I need to finish it. Remind me to finish it. Okay?
I dunno how long I'm gonna be there...at least a month and a half...I think we're returning in august...
gah!! when do you leave?
we're leaving on the 16th...you and others need to keep me company, though, cuz ruth is going to New york for a week and I'm left to watch the bitches all by me onesy.
could we do my chest piece that week???
I would love to...but I must do sunshine's first, then nick's because I already told them I would. I'd also still like to touch up Jen's..then I will do yours (I should just have a day dedicated to tattooing non-stop) and then don't you have another friend for me to ink, Elise or something like that? I fully intend to crank out a bunch of tattoos that week...
i'm working on it! it's a busy time!
hurry up with the goddamn zombie writing.
...I'm feeling some Evil Dead movie watching needs to happen.
i'll get on it! and yes, we do need to watch evil dead. and evil dead 2. and army of darkness.
woah son. you're adding an awful lot of zombie movies to the list of just one (Evil Dead)...but I suppose if I'm going to watch a zombie movie I might as well go all out.
you win.
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